Why the FATHER in me had to DIE and why I had to let him GO...

tree.jpg

Why the FATHER in me had to DIE and why I had to let him GO...

I used to believe I was honouring my father's spirit by... STRUGGLING.

I used to believe I was being LOYAL to my ancestors by being BROKE and by identifying myself as... STRUGGLING.

It made perfect sense!

After all, my FATHER was a struggling ENTREPRENEUR.

And so was his father and forefather.

STRUGGLE with CAPITAL S was their daily bread.

'Life is hard', I can almost hear them say.

Sweat, TEARS and blood is ALL they knew.

Is it any surprise that even when I hit $7,5k a few years ago I was STILL struggling financially?

The only difference being, I was BROKE at a higher income bracket!

Yes, I come from a lineage of modern day SLAVES (victims of forced labour).

I come from a lineage of SERVANTS and underpaid menial workers.

But it is also true that I was being SELFISH with my gifts, talents and abilities by staying BROKE...

The fact is, as much as I would like to think I was HONOURING their STRUGGLE by staying broke the only thing I was honouring was my... EGO.

Unbeknown to me, I took a vow of POVERTY...

Some time ago I decided I needed to STRUGGLE.

No one DID it for me.

I was CHOOSING struggle over EASE and FLOW.

As much as I loved my Dad I knew I had to... let him go.

He was SLOWING me down and eventually became a... BURDEN.

The burden of being duped into paying off someone ELSE's LOAN, his wife's close family member.

The burden of being DECEIVED by his friend and being consequently cheated out of an ANCIENT coin that his 'friend' eventually sold to... buy a house for himself (the money my father NEVER saw!)

The burden of being USED and taken advantage of for his kind heart, generosity and child-like naivite.

My father was even CHEATED on AFTER his death by his brother-in-law after he DENIED taking money upfront for the job he NEVER carried out... leaving his widowed wife and five daughters with no means to live.

The burden of trusting others when he SHOULDN'T have...

The pain of putting everyone else FIRST and paying himself LAST out of his own pocket leaving his wife and children scraping for CRUMBS...

The burden of BURIED dreams and unfulfilled DESIRES...

The burden of working himself to... DEATH and dying with music playing LOUD in his young 49 years of age.

I was carrying this HEAVY load on my PETITE shoulders all my life and MADE them my OWN...

I thought I was being a GOOD DAUGHTER by doing so.

I thought this was what I was SUPPOSED to do...

I HATED the people who did this to my DADDY.

I HATED the people who took advantage of his GENEROSITY.

I HATED the people who thought my father was a FOOL for being trusting and forgiving.

I HATED all of them with my small but MIGHTY heart.

I CRIED with him for the INJUSTICE he suffered at the hands of these EVIL people.

I took on his PAIN, GRIEF, DISAPPOINTMNENT, RESENTMENT, ANGER, RESIGNATION and SORROW.

I may NEVER find out why they did these things to you (not that I need to know) as your life's lessons and spiritual path are unique to you.

Maybe there were things or karmic lessons you needed to learn and things you needed to FORGIVE yourself for in this lifetime.

It is NOT for me to JUDGE and it is not my RESPONSIBILITY to bring JUSTICE or to take on your PAIN.

All I know is that I can only HONOUR your SPIRIT by putting myself FIRST, charging what I am worth and being just as NAIVE and TRUSTING with child-like wonder as you were.

The best REVENGE?

Living the best life possible.

R.I.P. Dad.

I have found PEACE and it is my hope that your PERPETRATORS will find it in their heart to... FORGIVE themselves.

I have FORGIVEN them and I have forgiven you too for I know the only way I can bring you JUSTICE is not by STRUGGLING, holding onto ANGER and RESENTMENT but by THRIVING and living the best life possible.

Love you Dad,
Thriving 'Daddy's Daughter' Entrepreneuress